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Childhood
| Cross-eyed Joey before his eye surgery |
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Journal Entries
Written 1/12/04 -
Hi Baby,
Sometimes it's so hard to maintain a positive attitude because
there are times when finding something positive is so difficult when there's so much sadness. I am grateful for many things,
but my broken heart sometimes takes over and all I can think about is your absence and the unfairness of it all. People
always comment that they see me smiling all the time and they can't believe how strong I am. They don't see my breakdowns
and have no idea how I struggle with this pain every day. How I hate this new life of mine !
I love you and Angie more than life itself. You two are
my whole world and my whole reason for being. Now, half of that reason was taken from me. How do I go on without
you?
=================================================================
Written 3/29/04
Joey -
Saturday, it will be 1 and 1/2 years since that horrible day that changed my life. There are days when
I miss you so badly, it hurts. I carry on with my daily activities, but thoughts of you are at the forefront of my mind.
It's those days when functioning becomes a real task because I create mental images of you with everything I do. Seeing
a motorcycle, hearing a song, watching a
son with his mom, or just sitting at the computer can bring me to tears. I know those days will be with
me forever, and I'm still struggling with how to incorporate them into my life. I never knew a pain could be so intense.
In the past, I have lost people that I've loved, but I have always been able to get back to some type of normalcy.
Your death is like no other. The natural order of life was crushed when you left before I did. It wasn't supposed
to be that way. A mother is NOT supposed to bury her child. There's a sadness in my life now that will
never go away.
I miss you Jo Jo and I can't wait for the day when we are reunited. Be ready for a big celebration and
a lot of hugs.
===================================================================
Written 5/9/04
Hi Baby -
Today is yet another Mother's Day without you here. For most mother's, this is a day that brings a smile to their
faces. Angie is coming up today and I'm so grateful for that, but there is also a sadness within me that goes down to
my very soul. I want BOTH my kids to be physically here, but I know that's not possible. I miss your flowers from
Safeway, in their original wrapping and with the price tag still attached. It always made me laugh and it always gave
me an opportunity to give you that extra hug. I know I will get that hug again some day. Be prepared Joey,
because I don't think I will EVER let you go once we reunite !!!
I love you and I miss everything about you,
Mom
====================================================
Written 6/30/04
Hi Baby -
Just another day without you. They all seem to blend into one long day. It's been so long since I've
seen that amazing smile and those beautiful blue eyes. I think about all the things I did wrong when you were here and
it just overwhelms me sometimes. I should have been there more for you and showed you my support more often. I'm
so sorry if I ever let you down. I never thought that our time together would end so quickly and I hope that you're
watching me and realize how much I love you and how much I have ALWAYS loved you. It makes me so sad to think that I
ever disappointed you in any way. You and Angie give my life a purpose and I wish, so badly, that you were here physically
to share that life with me.
I miss you and have absolutely no fear of death because it means I get to see you and hold you again.
You're in my heart forever,
~Mom~
============================================================
Written 7/19/04
My beautiful Joey -
I've had a rough day today. Didn't sleep well last night and woke up crying, and missing you like a knife
was thrust into my heart. I saw "your bike" on the way to work and actually thought for a second that I had been living
in a nightmare and it was now over and your were okay. The simple truth is that I just can't accept that you're not
here with me anymore, so my mind plays tricks on me. I often think that I see you and am devastated when reality hits
me. Your just being with me in my heart and in my soul isn't enough sometimes. I miss your touch.
I'm not like this all the time, but when I am, I sink to the very depths of depression and it takes days to climb
out. Please guide me Joey. I need your help.
I love you,
Mom
=============================================================
Written 8/2/04
Joey -
Your life truly has no end. I posted on several websites about our memorial ride for you on Oct 30th, and
people are already marking their calendars. What an amazing extended family you have created for me by leaving a legacy
that continues now and forever. Wherever you are, I hope that you are witness to the outpouring of compassion and kindness
that lives on within the hundred of lives you have touched, and continue to touch.
I love you so much,
Mom
==================================================================
Written 8/31/04
Jo Jo -
I've become quite involved in motorcycle activities lately and have met some wonderful and caring people through
this sport that you loved so much. I understand now that your passion was not just from getting on the bike, but also
from being with the friends that you made through your riding. I'm so sorry that it took the ultimate price for me to
realize that. I miss you more as each day passes and my regret for not sharing your passion with you is insurmountable.
I don't think I can EVER forgive myself for that. I will try forever to make you as proud of me as I am of you.
I love you baby,
Mom
=============================================================
Written 9/11/04
Joey -
It's a hard day today because it marks the 3rd anniversary of our country's worst terrorist attack. As
I watch the news and see those parents reading off the names of their children that were lost that day, I see that familiar pain
in their eyes. I know that their lives were changed forever on that day, in the same way that mine was changed
on November 1, 2002. The mayor of New York made a statement that hit so close to home. He said that when a child
loses his parents, he is called an orphan. When a wife loses her husband, she is called a widow. When a husband
loses his wife, he is called a widower. But......when a parent loses a child, there is no word to accurately describe
that loss because there is no other like it.
I love you so much and I will continue to do everything in my power to make sure that your memory will always
keep you alive in our hearts and in our minds.
I miss you baby,
Mom
=================================================================
Written 10/23/04
Hi sweetie,
I'm not sure why some days are so much harder than others, but today is one of those days. It's been almost
2 years since you left and it's just incomprehensible to me that you've been gone this long. It still seems like only
yesterday that I said goodbye to you that morning. Never, in my wildest imagination, would I have realized that it would
be the last time in this lifetime that I would see your smiling face. The tears still flow as much today as they did
on that horrible day. I think that only another parent who has experienced such a horrendous loss can fully understand
the depths of this pain. Sadly, I have now met many parents who are going through the same thing. My heart just
aches and I miss you so very much.
I love you baby and I know that as each day passes, I am one day closer to seeing you again.
Love,
Mom
=====================================================================
Written 11/2/04
Joey -
Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of the worst day in my life. I've somehow managed to make it this
far, although there are times when I'm not sure how I did it. Saturday was your memorial ride, which gave me the most
amazing comfort. It showed me that, even 2 years later, your memory continues to live on within so many people.
I felt your presence and I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were right there with me.
Yesterday, however, was difficult. As you know, I spent a good part of the day at the cemetery, just remembering
every little detail of your life. You touched so many in such a short time and I am so very proud of you. I know
that you are in a special place, filled with the most unimaginable beauty because you brought happiness and comfort
to so many while you were here and you deserve only the very best. You are missed so much. Angie had a tough day
yesterday. She misses her brother and sharing her life with you. Please try to visit her in her dreams.
It gives her great comfort.
I love you with all my heart,
Mom
===========================================================================
Written 11/3/04
Hello again baby,
Last night, I had my get together with my grief support group and was excited to tell them about the ride on
Saturday. I also showed them the "Joey sticker" on my car. My friend's comment was "I hate that it's there" and
I totally understood what she meant. She sent me an email this morning that conveyed my feelings perfectly, so thought
I'd share. Her son, Matt, was killed in a car accident 5 months after you left me.
"I hope you knew what I meant last night when we
were looking at the stickers on the back of the car. I wasn't trying to take away from them. I think it is wonderful
that you have all that support. It is just that I hate that we have to do this at all. I love the kids that collected
money to frame and hang Matt's jersey at Ed's but I hate that it is there and he isn't. I appreciate all the money donated
to his baseball fund but I hate that there has to be one. I hate that we have to get statues of mother's and sons and
I hate that you have to take a blanket to a cemetary instead of covering him up with one when he falls asleep on the couch.
I hate all the symbols we have in our life now. I want Matt back and I want to fuss at him for leaving wet towels on
the floor. I want to go to his graduation. I want you to wave at Joey as he leaves on his bike instead of having
to ride in a memorial for him. I love all of you guys and yet I wish we could have met in a cooking class or something.
Do you understand what I mean? I see you hurting and I think it sucks. I just don't want you to think I was saying
anything bad about the stickers. I think they are beautiful. I just wish they weren't there".
I just miss you so much and I, too, hate the fact that you're not here.
I love you,
~Mom~
================================================================
Written 11/16/04
Hi honey -
Crying has become part of my every day life. I never knew that a body could hold so many tears, but I seem
to have an endless supply. My sadness has taken over the last couple of days. This is a difficult time of year
for me......a time for family and a time to be together. I used to love the holidays because I knew that we'd get
to spend more time than usual together. Now I dread them because you're not here. They just bring feelings of
lonliness.
Damn it, I miss you so much. It's just not fair.
Mom
====================================================================
Written 12/13/04
Hi Honey -
Big day yesterday. Went to an SBFMC Toy Drive, with hundreds of bikers, a stunt show, and some of
the most beautiful bikes you could imagine. I get so much comfort from being with your fellow riders, but at the same
time, I see a part of you in all of them and it just makes me miss you so much. I know that you're always with me, but
it's especially evident when I'm with my SBF family. I wish you were physically here to share in their passion for riding
and in their compassion for helping others. I can almost see that smile of yours when I imagine the joy that you would
have had to be included in such a wonderful day.
I love you baby and you're always right here every day in my heart.
~Mom~
=========================================================================
Written 12/24/04 - ANOTHER HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOU HERE
Joey -
The holiday season is here once again. This is the 3rd one without you and it just seems to get harder
and harder. As I was wandering through the stores looking for gifts, I saw so many things that I would have gotten
for you if you were here. As much pleasure as it brings me to give to the people I love, there's an overwhelming
sadness every time I think about not being able to watch you open your presents. I miss that beautiful smile of yours.
Tomorrow will be spent up at the cemetery and then to a movie with Grandma. You, of course, will be in my every thought
and I just pray that wherever you are, you are eternally happy.
I love you so very much,
~Your mom.....FOREVER~
========================================================================
Written 1/13/05
Hi Baby -
It's been awhile since I've written, but the tears haven't stopped since you've been gone. You're still
in my thoughts and in my heart every day, and that emptiness will always remain, but nothing will ever take away the love
that I have for you.
You must be so proud of your fellow riders, seeing the compassion that they continue to give to me, even 2+ years after
you've left . In the last week, I've received 2 of the most beautiful emails offering support and encouragement.
I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for them. They inspire me to try to live my life to the fullest. During
the holidays, I even had offers to come share Christmas with some SBF families. What an amazing group
of people you have introduced to me !!! I know that your legacy will continue, even long after I'm gone.
I love you Joey. You will always be my baby boy and I will always beam with pride, even at the mention
of your name.
I miss you baby,
~Love, Mom~
=========================================================================
Written 1/21/05
Hi Honey,
Well, Angie's 21st birthday is tomorrow and she used to tell me how the two of you would go out and celebrate
together. I know you and she would have torn up the town and had such a wonderful time, but it was obviously not meant
to be. I know you will be with her, but not in the way that she had wanted. Just as you and I went to Vegas for
your 21st, Angie and I leave on Tuesday. I know we'll have a great time, just as you and I did, but at the same time,
it'll be so hard for me. The memories of you and me hitting the bars and sitting at the blackjack tables will,
I'm sure, be in my every thought.
Angie and I love you so much and miss your presence here every single day. Please come visit us in our
dreams. I love getting signs from you, but seeing your face and being able to hug you in my dreams is the best that
I can hope for.
I miss you baby,
Mom
=========================================================================================
Written 3/4/05
Hi my baby -
Happy belated birthday honey. I can't believe that you would have already been 24. What kind of changes
would you have gone through had you been here for the last 2+ years? I try to imagine how your life would be today and
it's hard to imagine anything but your being forever 21. I spent your birthday with Angie and some of the SBF family
and it was as comforting as it possibly could have been. NOTHING will ever take the place of your being here, but being
surrounded by people who truly care about you helped me get through the day. I hate having to live my life without you.
I hate that you're not here to talk to every day and I hate that Angie doesn't have her brother here to confide in.
She had a tough day on your birthday and was sent home from work because she couldn't stop crying. Life is so unfair
and I ask the question WHY every single day. I know that you're okay, but at the same time, why does it have to be that
the people that are left behind are not okay and have to live their lives with this unimaginable pain. Some people just
don't understand that 2 years is nothing compared to a lifetime and it seems like only yesterday that you were taken from
me. The pain is still so fresh and I think even 10 years down the road, it will still be the same way.
I miss you even more with each passing day, but I also know that each day brings me closer to seeing you again.
I love you so much and I will always be so proud of everything you stood for and for the wonderful son that you
are.
With love,
~Mom~
=========================================================================
Written 3/12/05
Joey -
Yesterday, another son was taken from me. My SBF son, Young Will. I am now reliving that nightmare
again, knowing the pain that is being felt by not only myself, but by the hundreds of people that knew and loved him.
I sure as hell hope that I get an answer as to why this has to happen to those so young and still so full of life. It
just doesn't make any sense to me right now and the void that is left can never be filled. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND !!!
I love you, I miss you, and I wish every day that you were still here.
~Mom~
==========================================================
Written 4/27/05
Hi Honey -
It's been awhile since I've written in this journal, although only seconds since I last thought about you.
Those thoughts never stop, and never will. I just got back from New York with Grandma and we had a wonderful time,
with the exception of a few things. I went to your cousin's wedding and all I could think about was that I would be
missing your wedding and missing the woman you would have chosen to spend your life with and the children you would have had,
making me such a proud grandma. Those dreams have been shattered, and the unfairness of it hits me so hard sometimes.
I know weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, but that was a very sad day for me because the loss of your presence was
so strong. I shed many tears during the ceremony.
Then, we also went and saw ground zero. My thoughts were focused on all the parents that lost a child that
horrible day in September and I felt such a strong connection with them. My heart just broke and the emotions I experienced
were powerful beyond words. There are far too many of us that are travelling on this never ending road of grief.
I want you to be here with me, where you belong. Angie and I miss you so much and I pray that you are watching
over us and waiting patiently for our arrival. We will be together again.....I just know it.
I love you baby,
Mom
=============================================================
Written 5/8/05 - MOTHER'S DAY
Joey -
Another Mother's Day without your physical presence. Please give me a sign today to let me know that you're
still here with me. I saw the most beautiful red-tailed hawk yesterday when I was at the cemetery. I'd love to
see another when I'm up there later today.
I miss you baby, and today is an especially difficult one for me.
I love you,
~Mom~
=================================================================
Written 5/25/05 - My birthday
Hi honey -
Another birthday without you here. The only positive aspect of this day is that it brings me that much
closer to seeing you. You will be in my every thought today, which isn't any different from every other day of the year.
It's just that this is supposed to be a "special" day that includes the presence of BOTH of my kids. That's the way
it should have been.
I love you so much and I miss you more with every breath I take.
~Love, Mom~
================================================================
Written 6/21/05
Well Joey, as you know, I had to put Nikki to sleep yesterday. I hope you were there to greet her and give
her that long awaited hug. She missed you so much while you were gone and I'm sure she was just as happy to see you
as you were to see her. For the last 13+ years, she's always been curled up next to me on the bed and it
was a tough night trying to go to sleep without her there. Her unconditional love and her undying devotion to this
family will truly be missed, but I know I'll see both of you again when the time comes. I just couldn't allow her to
suffer and I just pray that I did the right thing by letting her go. Please take care of her until I get there.
I love you and I miss you baby,
~Mom~
==================================================================
Written 7/14/05
Hi baby -
I'm having one of my tough days today. They just seem to sneak up on me sometimes and I really don't handle
them very well. I usually come here and start to write. People that read this journal must think I'm like
this all the time, but I HAVE found ways to smile again and ways to laugh again. It's just not the same kind
of laughter that it used to be, because you are always in my thoughts, so there's a sadness that is constant. It just
doesn't surface every minute of the day anymore and I've learned how to cope with it most of the time. Now that
Nikki is gone too (and Angie is moving out tonight), the lonliness and the emptiness are unbearable sometimes.
I really hate this life. Happiness comes occassionally, but most of the time when I'm alone, the sadness overtakes everything.
I wish you were here to make me laugh again. You always had a way of doing that and I miss that so much.
I will always love you and there will NEVER be a day that you're not right here in my heart.
Love,
~Mom~
==================================================================
Written 7/25/05
Joey -
Lately, it seems like everything I see reminds me of you. Even watching a commercial about contact lenses
made me think of when you went to get yours. I remember the first time you tried to get the lense out and you kept looking
at your fingers to see if it was there. We laughed so hard and I miss that so much. My heart is broken beyond repair
and I'm finding it very difficult to find any kind of happiness anymore. Seeing Angie happy is the only thing that brings
me any kind of joy. I don't want to go out. I don't want to make the effort to call anyone. All I want to
do is sit at home and cry, which is what I did all weekend. Grandpa invited me to lunch, Grandma invited me to breakfast..................I
just didn't want any part of it, so I stayed alone with you, I slept, and I cried. The only time I left the house was
to go to the cemetery. It's peaceful up there and so beautiful. Is this how it will always be from now on?
I need you to help me climb out of this abyss. I've fallen so far into it that I don't think I'm capable of climbing
out without your help.
Damn it. Why did you have to leave me? I know we had our problems, but there wasn't anything that
we couldn't have worked out, was there? The love that we had (and still have) for each other could have conquered
anything, couldn't it? I can't stand living here without you, and I hate the thought that it's going to be awhile before
I get to see you again. Why does life have to be so unfair. I know I'm being selfish and I know you don't like
seeing me this way, but I just can't help it. I'm sorry Joey.
I love you my baby,
Mom
==============================================================
Written 8/16/05
My Joey -
I sit alone with my thoughts and with the dreams that once were. All that changed when you were taken from
me. My faith tested from that day forward. Whoever said that we're never given more than we can handle obviously never
lost a child. Even with all the support that I get, I still struggle to get through my days. I manage okay when
I'm with Angie or when I'm with my motorcycle family or at work because my mind is occupied. It's the time I have to
myself when my only focus is you. What could have been........what SHOULD have been. You were the man of
the house from the time you were so young, and you always made me feel safe even then. I know you are still watching
over me and protecting me, but it just isn't enough sometimes. I miss the hugs and I miss the smiles and I miss
the laughter and I miss the sarcasm and I miss the wet towels on the floor and I miss the dishes in the sink. I miss
EVERYTHING about you.
I will always keep your memory alive by sharing your life with all those I encounter while I am still here.
You are missed by people from all over the world, even by those you never met. But, nobody misses you more than Angie
and I. A day doesn't go by that we don't think about you.
I love you baby,
Mom
================================================================
Written 8/30/05
Hi Sweetie -
Every morning, as soon as I turn on my computer, there you are looking right at me. I still have trouble
believing that you're not going to walk through the door ever again, and pictures are all I have. I'd give my life just
for a hug. The life I have now is full of memories and full of symbols. My living room is a "Joey shrine", with
individual pictures, photo albums, candles, and lots of angels. I hope that you can see all the things I do to make
sure that your memory never dies. You will be with me forever, and one day I know I'll get to hold you again.
I love you so much and I'm trying so hard to live with this hole in my heart, but it's a difficult task sometimes.
Please don't be angry with me Joey. I just can't stop the tears and I know how much you hate to see me cry. I
just can't help it.
Love forever,
~Mom~
=================================================================
Written 9/30/05
Hi Honey-
I feel like I'm watching someone else's life. My own son couldn't possibly be gone. I see your pictures
and, in them, you're so alive and so full of life. It is still inconceivable to me that I will never get to hold
you again in this lifetime. I will never again get to watch you do a walking handstand all the way down the hall.
I will never again get to be angry at you for using all the hot water. I will never again get to see your smiling
face after making a modification to your bike. There are so so many things that I miss about you. It's so hard
for me to deal with your loss, and I know Angie feels the same way. There are days when I just can't
hold back the tears. Your 3 year angel date is coming up and, as the day gets closer, I find that I've been crying more
frequently. I hate that day because it changed my life in the most horrendous way. I hate all holidays because
they just reinforce the fact that you're not here and YOU SHOULD BE.
People tell me all the time that I should think of others in "worse" situations. I know that everyone has
their own burdens, but that doesn't ease my own pain. Like Angie said, I hate that we have to "talk" to you by typing
on a computer instead of by looking into those beautiful blue eyes and having a real conversation. It's not enough.
I want more !!!!
I love you so much baby and I hope I see you in my dreams. Please watch over Angie and me. We'll
all be together again some day.
Love,
Mom
==========================================================
Written 10/11/05
Joey -
In the last couple nights, I've had 2 nightmares about you, both of which when you were a little boy. I
can't remember the exact details, but I do know that you were hurt in both of them and, as hard as I tried, I was unable
to get to you.
I think about your last day all the time and how I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. I
wasn't able to hold you when you took your last breath. I wasn't able to say goodbye. I wasn't the last face you
saw. Instead, you were surrounded by strangers who were yelling at you to stay awake. There was only one woman
there who tried to talk to you calmly and ease your fear. I am eternally grateful to her, but it should have been me
saying those soothing words. Maybe you wouldn't have given up if you knew I was there. Maybe you'd still be here
if I had talked to you for 2 more minutes that morning.
The "what ifs" haunt me often and, even though I know it makes it harder on myself, I can't stop. I know
it won't bring you back to me. I just can't find the peace that I need in my life, now that you're gone. I'm
in constant turmoil inside, even though on the outside no one knows. I try not to cry in front of others,
and instead, save the tears for my time alone. It doesn't always work that way and there are times when I can't
stop the tears from flowing. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable, but I'm powerless to stop them.
I miss you so much.
Until we're together again, I vow to mention your name EVERY day and talk about you as often as I can and
with as many people as I can. Your memory will never die and your heart will continue to beat within mine.
I love you,
Mom
===========================================================
Written 10/25/05
Hi Sweetie -
I seem to be having a meltdown again. It's only 1 week away from November 1st, which marks 3 years to the
day that you were taken from me. It still only seems like yesterday when I saw you drive off on your bike that Friday and
head to work. That image will forever be with me. I sometimes play it over and over again in my head. You
seemed happy and you seemed to be looking forward to the next day when we had planned to spend the day together. It
was supposed to be "our day"........just me and you and no one else. Instead, it was a day of endless telephone calls,
memorial planning, and uncontrollable weeping. The thought of having to plan my own son's funeral was overwhelming and
still is to this day. How can that be? How can you be gone? My heart still beats, and yet I sometimes wonder
how when it's so broken. I understand now how people can die from a broken heart because there are days when dying would
be a blessing. At the same time, I can't imagine leaving Angie and would never be able to do that until it's time.
So, I just have to live with only memories of you until that time. I hate that !!!!!!
Half of my heart is with you baby and always will be. One day, it'll be whole again when we're all
together.
I love you so much baby,
Always, Mom
=============================================================
Written 11/3/05
Hi honey -
Tuesday was a hard day for me. Thankfully, this year Angie spent the entire day with me and, as you know,
we went up to the cemetery for our quiet time with you. I know that you want me to be happy and you want me to live
my life to the fullest. I really try to do that, but there are times when it's just an impossible task. Saturday
was the memorial ride and I know you were right there with us. I was able to smile because of that and because of all
the support and the love that was felt so strongly by all who attended.
I stayed home on Monday too and, by Monday night, I was just drained. Being alone brings the tears and
allows the sadness to surface so strongly. I love you so much, and your not being here is just gut wrenching.
That part of my life is just unbearable and I can't wait until the day when my heart can become whole again.
I'll see you in my dreams,
Mom
======================================================
Written 11/5/05
Joey -
3 years ago today, I had to bury you and say goodbye. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and,
to this day, I still can't believe that it's real. It's like I'm living in a constant nightmare and I just need to wait
until it's over, but I wake up every morning and you're still not here. Could it be that you really are gone?
Could it be that I have to wait until I breathe my last breath before I get to see you again? That prospect is inconceivable
to me and so I make myself think that you are just away somewhere, enjoying life with your friends and riding your bike.
That's the only way I can get through my days.
I miss you with all my heart baby and I will NEVER be the same again. Your loss has left an emptiness that
can never be filled because a part of me went with you.
I love you,
Mom
========================================================
Written 12/12/05
Hi my baby,
This time of year is always hard for me. I wish I could just hold you now, instead of having to wait until
I see you again. That's the hardest part...........wondering how your life would have progressed in these last 3 years.
Would you have started school? Would you be in a serious relationship with someone? Would you be best friends
with your sister, helping each other through harder times and confiding in each other? Would you have travelled to England
to see Daniel, like you had planned? Would you be happy? All these things run through my mind on a daily basis
and I think of how I'm missing out on seeing the man you were becoming. Such a huge part of my life was ripped away
from me, and there are times when I'm feeling so low that I don't think it could get any lower. I miss you so much sometimes,
it's hard to breathe. It's like I'm drowning and I can't find my way to the surface, just struggling to find that pocket
of air. Life continues for me, but there are days when I wonder how that happens.
Please continue to watch over Angie and the rest of us....Especially your Uncle Gary, who needs your protection
more than ever now. Tomorrow, he has the biopsy on the tumor in his pancreas. We need him to be around for a long
time, so please be his guardian angel and help him through this.
I love you, and I love seeing the red-tailed hawks. I know that it's you sending me a message, letting
me know that you're okay. You and Angie will always be my heart and soul.
Hugs,
~Mom~
============================================================
Written 12/24/05
Joey -
I'm missing you for yet another holiday. I hate that this computer is one of my main sources of communication
to you, and I sure wish I knew for sure that you were receiving my prayers and my messages. I just have to
believe that I'm going to see you again. Otherwise, I'd just want to die. My life without you has so much sadness
in it, and since Angie deals with her own grief, I try to keep mine locked away a good part of the time. When
it surfaces, I become reclusive so that I can grieve in the way that I need to. Today is one of those days. I spent
a good part of the morning up at the cemetery, listening to the birds, watching all the squirrels, and enjoying the serenity
of the amazing view of Briones and Mt Diablo. How peaceful it is up there.
You are always with me Joey, and I love you with all my heart.
~Mom~
==========================================================
Written 2/15/06 - Your birthday
You're my last thought at night
And the first when I awake
The loss of your
presence
Is often so hard to take
25 you would be
How would your life have changed?
Now each February 15th
Will
never be the same
It's a celebration in memory
Of that day in 1981
That brought such joy to my life
Because
I finally had my son
The videos and pictures
Will bring smiles and tears
And I'm grateful beyond words
For
21 wonderful years
You'll always be my baby
Whether you're near or far
My heart's forever with you
Wherever
you are
Happy Birthday Joey
I love you baby,
Mom
============================================
Written 2/25/06
Hi baby,
Woke up this morning feeling so sad. It just happens sometimes when I'm least expecting it. I'm so
lost in this world without you and can't manage to make it through, pretending that everything is okay. It's like a
completely different life and I have a hard time living it. Although I know that if you were here, we wouldn't be together
24 hours a day, I still feel such a sense of lonliness because I'm missing out on what could have been. I check this
site every day and people just aren't stopping by as often as they used to. I'm so afraid that your memory will fade
within others, even though it will always remain strong within me. Sometimes I can't imagine how people can "move
on", knowing that you're not here, while I am still living Nov 1st 2002 over and over again every single day. It
still seems like only yesterday and I don't think I will ever accept the fact that you're gone. I honestly believe that
your absence is a slow death for me because even though my heart still beats, it beats differently than it used to.
There are days when I just wish it would stop altogether so that I could see you again.
I love you sweetie, and the fact that we'll be together again gives me hope.
Love, Mom
=============================================================
Written 3/14/06
Joey -
Sometimes I'm just so lonely without you. I know hundreds of people that I truly love, but I can't
call any one of them "that one special friend" that everyone should have in their life, even though I know they care
about me. I sit here by myself, just aching inside, and can't think of one person that I can call and talk to about
how sad I am, without feeling like I'm just being a burden. I have my friends, who have also lost a child, but I know
they're going through their own grief. I've always been so concerned about everyone else and never really been able to
release my own feelings to anyone. I think you were much the same way and sometimes I just felt that connection with
you, even though it was unspoken. I miss feeling that warmth from you. I miss seeing those caring eyes.
I miss that unconditional love, even when we were angry with each other. Sometimes I pray that death would come soon
so that I could feel your touch again and experience the calm that I always felt when I looked into your eyes.
At the same time, I would never want to leave Angie behind and miss out on the joy that I know she will bring to me in
the years ahead. It's so hard sometimes, and I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. I'm learning
how to be patient though. I know our reunion will come in time. In the meantime, I have Angie here to help me.
It's hard for her too, so I try not to show her too much sadness.
I love you baby. Thank you so much for the sign, up at the cemetery last weekend. It brightened my
entire day, and I can't wait for the next one.
~Mom~
==========================================================
Written 4/21/06
Hi sweetie,
Throughout every one of my days, there is always something I see or hear that brings you to mind.
Today was no different. The weather has been so cold and wet for so long, and the last couple days have finally allowed
the sun to shine through. It's these nice spring days when thoughts of you stay with me, so vividly. I can just
picture you being so excited about having such great riding weather. There are so many bikes on the roads, and I find
myself just focusing on every one of them, trying to get a glimpse of those feelings of joy in each rider's eyes, just
like the joy I saw in yours every time you headed out with your friends. I know those were your happiest moments,
and I just wish there could have been more. Selfishly, I wasn't ready to let you go. There was so much more I
wanted to share with you, so much more I wanted to say to you, so many more hugs I wanted to give you.
I can't say that your loss has gotten any easier for me, but I can say that the memories, at times, can now bring
a smile instead of tears, knowing that they are memories of a time when you were happy. You had so many people in your
life that loved you, and that gives me comfort. We are all better people for having known you. You inspired me
every day, and I wish I had told you that more often.
You and Angie are my heart and my soul. I miss you so very much, and I know that I'll see you
again when the time is right.
Hugs now and forever,
Mom
===========================================================
Written 6/7/06
Hi honey,
Well, it's been a long time since I've written to you. Today is one of those days that if anyone looks
at me the wrong way, I'll just break down and cry. I hate days like this, but they seem to be a part of life now. This
one has been coming for about a week now.
Last week, I gave a speech at work on the dangers of typing on blackberries while driving. The response
I received was extremely positive, to the point where I know that some people made a conscious decision to stop this distraction
altogether. I believe they understood that, because of this type of activity, a life could be taken
in an instant. I used your life as an example and explained how it was cut short, caused by inattention and distraction.
I also shared the speech with family and friends. Everyone told me how proud they were of me.........EXCEPT
GRANDMA. Her response was that she thought it was inappropriate and that it sounded like I was on a soapbox. It
was like a knife went right through my heart. How could she not understand that the reason for giving the speech was
to try and prevent anyone else from ever having to go through what I have been going through since you left. How
can a mother NOT support her own child on something that means so much to her? I realized, at that moment, that she doesn't
know me at all. She should know that I'm not the type of person to preach to others unless it's something that I'm passionate
about. What could I have possibly gained by getting up in front of a group of people and trying to make them understand
the dangers of their distractions? I just don't understand her response, and never will. I was hurt beyond belief
and it made me feel like she was saying "just get on with your life".
I love you so much Joey and I will ALWAYS do whatever I can to prevent anyone else from ever having to experience
the loss of a child. You are missed more every day and I will make sure that you are remembered and loved by all those
that I encounter, until the day that I die.........regardless if people agree with me or not !!!
You will always be my baby,
~Mom~
======================================================================
Written 7/7/06
Hi honey,
Lately I've just been thinking that my life couldn't really be like this. Even 3 years and 8 months later,
I still can't believe that you're actually gone. I go about my daily activities, and sometimes I can imagine myself
walking in the door at home and seeing you there. Reality can't possibly be that you're never going to greet me again
after a long day. It's almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life. Maybe that's why I'm still able to laugh
and still able to smile, because I can't accept the fact that I won't be getting that hug or that "hi mom, how was your day"
from you anymore. Damn it, I need to see you so badly. I need to know that this is all just a horrible nightmare
and I'll wake up soon. Even when I go up to the cemetery and see your name and your picture on the headstone, it's
still not real to me. If I honestly believed that I would never see you again in this lifetime, I don't think I
could take it. Instead, I allow my mind to wander to better days, conjuring up my own reality so that I can make it
through each day.
Some (if not most) people would say that's unhealthy, but for me, it's my way of coping. I don't think
anyone, except those that are walking this same path, could possibly understand that.
I love you so much baby and I still keep those thoughts close to my heart that I will, once again, get to hold
you and look into your beautiful eyes.
Hugs from afar,
~Mom~
=========================================================
Written 8/26/06
Hi baby,
I'm just sitting at home, thinking about you as usual. I got my haircut today and you know how much I hate
my curly hair. Well, I was telling the hair stylist about how straight your hair was and he jokingly said "I bet
you wanted to kill him for being so lucky". He obviously didn't know that you had passed, but it just made me so
sad. I couldn't even respond to him and, instead, sat silently for the rest of the time there. I'll tell him about
you next time, but I knew if I started to say anything at that point, I would have just broken down. This life is so
hard. It's been a rough couple weeks (I'm sure you've been there for me, knowing what I've been going through) and even
the smallest things just set me off into that darkness.
I miss you so very much. Even though almost 4 years have passed, it doesn't get any easier to deal with
your loss. I only find it easier to hide the sadness now.
I love you honey,
Mom
===================================================
Written 9/16/06
Good morning baby,
I just took Bronx for a walk and we ended up at the Swim and Tennis Club where you used to work. I realized
that it was the first time I had been there since you died, and I just lost it. It's a beautiful day outside,
and yet there's a dark cloud that follows me wherever I go. Some days, that cloud just bursts unexpectedly and
the tears begin to flow. It was one of the last places you had been. As I walked up the driveway, I was thinking that
you had once taken the same path, but your footprints were covered up by others from the years that have passed.
I just can't let those years cover up the memories too. I remember bringing you sandwiches up there when you'd call
and tell me you were hungry. I remember going up there and sitting in the jaccuzzi with you when you weren't busy with
customers. I remember walking Nikki up there and watching you work.
I will NEVER forget those days Joey. I promise you those memories will never fade. They're a part
of my past, a part of my present, and a part of my future. You're in my heart now and forever.
I love you so much,
~Mom~
=============================================================
Written 11/1/06
We were in the garage and you were on your bike, dressed in full gear, and ready to head out to work.
I was standing at the washing machine transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer. We said a quick goodbye to
each other and I watched you drive down the street, waving at you as you left to start your day. That image will be
imbedded in my mind forever. The very next image I have is of your lifeless body lying on the gurney at the hospital.
How could that possibly be? I had just seen you, so full of life, only 2 hours earlier. I've learned that life
can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you every day and,
even though I now say it to you 100 times a day, it's not the same. Please forgive me Joey. You and Angie are
still my whole life and I hope that you hear my words when I'm talking to you now.
I love you now and forever. I miss your touch, your smile, your tears, your compassion, your scent,
and your laughter. Life will never be the same again.
~Mom~
Written 1/21/07
Hi baby,
I don't write often anymore because I think that I've said everything I can in so many different ways.
It all boils down to one thing, and that is that I love you now and forever. I miss you more than life itself, and have
a never ending heartache that will be with me until the day I join you. Tomorrow is Angie's birthday.....yet
another day that you should be physically here to celebrate. These milestone days hit me the hardest, and that missing
piece of my life surfaces with the strength of a tornedo. All I can do is visit your resting place and then come home
and climb into bed.
I love you so much,
Mom
======================================================
Written 2/14/07
Hi honey,
Today is Valentine's Day, and tomorrow is your birthday. It's hard for me to imagine you being 26 years
old, and it makes me so sad to know that I don't get to watch you grow into the amazing man that I know you would now be.
I just miss you so much and still wake up every morning wishing that the last 4 years were just a nightmare. I'm staying
home from work tomorrow and I'll be at the cemetery to have lunch with you. The best I can hope for is a sign from you,
telling me that you know I'm there.
I love you with all my heart baby and I hope to see you in my dreams,
~Mom~
======================================================
Written 3/25/07
Hi sweetie,
I've been crying a lot lately, which I haven't done in quite a while. I've just been feeling so sad and
so lonely without you. Maybe it's because Angie and Daniel moved out at the beginning of the month or maybe it's just
the way it will always be. It's become a "one day at a time" kind of lifestyle, with my dreams of the future focusing
only on when I get to see you again. Sometimes, I just can't wait for that day and I wish that time would speed by more
quickly than it already does. Our family has always been "blessed" with long life spans. To me, that isn't a blessing,
but instead a curse, thinking that I will have to wait until I'm in my 90's to reunite with you. I don't think I can
take 40 more years with this hole in my heart. It's so debilitating at times that I can think of nothing else but your
not being here with me to share our lives together. I was supposed to watch you become an adult, proud of your accomplishments,
and becoming so close with the wife and children you would have had. I wanted to be the best grandma possible
to your kids, and a friend and perfect mother-in-law to your wife. I wanted to see you become successful at whatever
career you chose in life. Those dreams have vanished with your passing, and the road that I had planned for my life
has changed so dramatically.
The day will come when I get to see you again. I have learned to be patient most of the time, but there
are days when that's truly hard to come by. Please watch over me as you have been, and wait patiently for my arrival.
Keep sending me those wonderful signs to let me know you're okay. I live for those moments.
I love you with all that's left of my heart,
~Mom~
=================================================================
Written 5/21/07
Hi sweetie,
I know that my entries in this journal happen less often than they used to, but please don't think that it's
because I don't think about you every day...........because I always will. You're still my first thought in the morning
and my last thought at night.
Another birthday is coming up again on Friday. Angie and Daniel will be coming to dad's "annual birthday
party" for me, Gary, and Susan, so I'm looking forward to that. It will still never be the same without you physically
there too. I'm just not whole anymore without you, and days that would normally be one of celebration always turn into
one of sadness instead. I know exactly how it will turn out. I'll be with family and will put on my smile, and
will laugh and enjoy the company, but then I'll come home and have my cry in remembrance of how it used to be. I just
miss you so much every day !!!
Angie is going to Africa in September and could be gone for as long as 6 months. I just don't know how
I'm going to be able to stand being away from her that long, even though I would never say that to her. It's been a
dream of hers for as long as I can remember, and I know she's going to have the experience of a lifetime. Please be
sure and pay me a few visits while she's gone. I'll need you with me more than ever.
I love you baby,
Mom
=========================================================
Written 5/24/07
Hi again baby,
I see your faded bicycle in the garage, with the tires flat and the cobwebs accumulating in the spokes, and it
makes me cry. I walk by your room and see it the same way as the day you left it, except there's a quilt, made out of
your favorite shirts, laying on the center of your bed, with your name sewn into the middle. That makes me cry too.
There are just some days when every memory can sink me into the depths of sadness. They're mostly good memories, but
they just make me wish you were here so that we can make some new memories. I haven't touched any of your belongings
in your room. I just can't bring myself to get rid of anything because it would be like getting rid of a part of you.
Your clothes are still neatly folded in your drawers. Your shirts are still hanging in the closet and your shoes are
still sitting on the floor of your closet. Even your cell phones are still in their chargers and plugged in. It
would tear me up to have it any differently. A lot of people just don't understand, and that's okay. I will continue
to grieve in my own way until the day I leave this earth.
You and Angie are my heart, my soul........my everything.
I love you,
Mom
=========================================================
Loneliness
Written 6/9/07
Many whom I called my friends
Have now become strangers
Alienated because of my tragedy
Unable to understand
I sit at home alone
Thinking about life since you’ve gone
The silence is deafening
And I have nowhere to turn
Only few truly know the depths of my sadness
Those suffering the loss of a child
Traveling the same road as I do
Yet, their friends seem to remain
Sleep is my salvation
The only time I’m at peace
I pray you’ll visit my dreams
But you never seem to come
Red-tailed hawks soar over the cemetery
As my sign that you’re okay
Sometimes I can’t wait to see you
Hoping that day will come soon
The phone no longer rings
The emails have stopped
I’m left alone in my thoughts
Thinking only of you
My tears have become hidden
From those who feel that grief should end
They’ll never know
That it lasts a lifetime
Written 7/28/07
Good morning baby,
I woke up crying this morning. I just know it's because I had a dream about you, but I couldn't remember.
This happens every once in a while and it makes me sad the rest of the day. I go back to that horrible day, and
think about the accident and about that day at the hospital that changed me forever. I'm not the same person.
Life is lonely without you, despite all the other people in my life who truly care about me. It's still such a
struggle to get through each day and sometimes there's nothing to console me. Sleep is my salvation and there are times
when I wish I just wouldn't ever wake up. I miss you so much and want, so badly, to be with you so I could tell you
all the things I didn't get to say when you were here.
I love you so much, and there's not a day that has gone by that I don't feel the pain from this hole in my heart.
You took a part of me with you when you left.
Love forever,
Mom
======================================================
Written 10/14/07
Hi sweetie,
The 5 year mark is approaching and there's a sadness that's usually kept within me that's coming to the
surface. This will be the first year that Angie isn't going to be here so that we can provide mutual
comfort to each other. She's thousands of miles away in South Africa and I just don't know how I'm going to handle it.
It's impossible for me to imagine that almost 5 years have passed because I still remember it as if it was yesterday.
I know you've heard me say it over and over again, but I still can't believe that you're even gone. I still expect you
to come home. I still expect to hear your voice. I still expect to see your smile. Every time I think of
that day, I try so hard to block it out and just pretend that it never happened. How I've survived this long without
you is beyond me. I guess I just do it because I have to. There are people here that need me and I've never been
one to let anyone down. I sometimes hate that quality in me. I know Angie will call me on the 1st and I just hope
that I can keep from breaking down. It's hard having both my kids so far away, out of my reach. I never expected
my life to be like this.......this kind of sadness was never a part of the dreams that I had for my future.
I miss you so much.........the kind of lonliness that can't be described to anyone else except those living through
it. No one else would understand.
Thank you for the red-tailed hawk feather yesterday and for the red heart-shaped rock that I thought was lost
forever months ago. I know you put it back there to show me that you were still watching over me. My heart is
always with you and yours with me.
I love you so much,
Mom
========================================================
Written 10/30/07
Hi Joey,
Another 5 years is almost here and gone. In 2 more days, a milestone will be reached that I never thought
possible. I always imagined that I would live my life, watching my children grow and enjoying their life experiences.
Instead, I will be packing a lunch on Thursday and spending the day sitting at your gravesite and sharing my life experiences
with you and telling you about the dreams that I had wanted for you. There is something so wrong with this. The
natural progression of life was turned upside down on that horrible day 5 years ago. My hopes, my dreams.........my
everything, was instantly changed. Now, my existence is one of sadness and, often times, despair. It's so hard,
being here without you. Angie is 10,000 miles away and this will be the first year without her by my side on your angel
day. How will I get through it? Each day I have to make a concentrated effort to remind myself that I will see
you again and that's what allows me to make it to the next day.
I love you so much baby and hope that you're happy and doing what you love. I'll see you when it's the
right time.
Love,
Mom
==========================================================
Written 11/20/07
Joey,
Thursday, it's Thanksgiving, and it'll be the first year ever that neither you nor Angie will be here with me
to celebrate. I'm having bouts of anxiety every time I think about it. I try to remind myself of the things that
make me thankful, but the fact that you're not here with me just overshadows everything. I'm thankful that Angie is
fulfilling her lifelong dream in South Africa, but I miss her so much. These "special" days are very difficult for me
and I'll be glad when the end of the year has passed. I don't think I will ever enjoy the holiday season again.
How can I, without you here with me? I can't even begin to tell you how much you are missed and loved every single
day. My heart is always with you baby.
I love you so much,
Mom
==========================================================
Written 12/23/07
Well Joey. It's the end of yet another year without you. I truly hate
this time of year, and this one is especially difficult since Angie is so far away too. All I hear on the radio are
holiday songs and all I see on TV are Christmas specials............all reminding me that my family is incomplete. I
have a picture on the wall with you in that silly Santa hat, being your goofy self and trying to make people laugh.
You were always able to put a smile on my face, even when no one else could. I am so thankful for the memories that
you have left me that allow that smile to surface when I think about you. I will always hold those close to my heart
and will always remember each and every one of them.
I miss you so much each and every day,
~Mom~
==============================================================
Written 1/20/08
Hi honey,
People don't visit your site very often anymore. Everyone
seems to have "moved on", and your memory is now a part of the distant past. I often wonder if you still come
to people's minds, and I can only hope that thoughts of you are still there. I continue to struggle with your loss and
continue to have a difficult time coping some days. Even though you were always busy with work and friends, there was
a contentment within me, knowing that I would be able to see you every day, even if only for a moment. I was never
lonely, knowing that you were within reach. Now, it's completely different. Lonliness just takes over sometimes
and I break down.
Angie finally came home on Thursday. The joy I felt when
I saw her is indescribable. I didn't want to let her go, but knew that she was back to live her life with Daniel and
catch up on the 4 months they were apart. They are so perfect for each other and I just know they were meant to be together.
At the same time, it makes me feel that much more alone. I'm missing you so much and would give anything just to hear
your voice again. You always had a way of picking me up when I was down. I could sure use you here now !!!
I will NEVER be the same.
Love forever,
Mom
=================================================================
Written 2/14/08
Hi Sweetie,
Well, tomorrow you'll be 27 years old and I can't believe that you're not here to celebrate each passing year
and every new experience that you should have had. I try to imagine what kind of man you would now be. I can only hope
that you're as happy where you are, as you were in the dreams that I used to have for your future. It's
all changed for me. My dreams for your future are now empty and have instead turned into dreams for my own future....those
of seeing you again. There are times when I just can't wait for that day. I know it'll come. In the meantime,
I'm enjoying watching Angie and her happy life with Daniel. I think she's met her soulmate and that brings me great
joy. I know you would have approved of and loved Daniel as I do.....even as protective as you were about your sister.
She's in good hands now and I also know you're watching over her.
I love you so much and miss you every day,
Mom
===================================================
Written 5/10/08
Hi baby,
Well, tomorrow is yet another Mother's Day without you. Angie isn't feeling well, so I won't be seeing
her either. A day that is supposed to be set aside each year to celebrate with my children has become a day that I dread
every year. I will be taking Grandma out to lunch, but a part of me will be with you. I'm not a complete person anymore,
but I do the best I can. I went up to the cemetery today and there was another new gravesite near you. It was
a 24 year old man, and all I could think about was the life long pain that his family will now have to endure. The
question of WHY weighs so heavy on me all the time. I wish I had an answer that would satisfy me, but I know that will
never happen. I know that all of us who have lost a child will just have to wait until we see our
children again to get that answer. It sometimes feels like an eternity since I've seen you. Yet, I remember
the day you left as if it was just yesterday.
I love you honey,
Mom
================================================================
Written 6/22/08
Hi baby,
I've been sad the last couple days.....just happens as you know. I was bagging up some of my clothes to
donate and thought that maybe it might be the right time to get rid of some of yours too. I started to put
some of your stuff into a bag and just lost it. I can't do it !!! I can't stand the thought of giving anything
away that would remind me of you, so I put it all back in the closet. I even smelled them to see if they still had your
scent on them, but time has taken that wonderful smell away. I don't know why it's still so hard for me to part with
your things, but I don't think I will EVER be able to do it. It's just hard for me.
I miss you so much and there are times when I really need you here. I want my son back damn it.
I love you sweetie,
Mom
========================================================
Written 9/25/08
Hi baby,
I was talking to a co-worker about you today and told her about this website. I started reading all my
journal entries and the tears started to flow, seeing that raw pain that I felt every day during the first years. It's
been almost 6 years now, and it's still so hard to get through some days. It's often just as difficult now as it was
back then. The only difference is that I've accepted the fact that my life will always be filled with this sadness I
feel, caused by the emptiness in my life. I've learned how to live with it, knowing that I can't change it. I'd give
anything in this world just to get a hug from you.
I'd love for you to visit me in my dreams. I miss that laugh and just ache to hear it again.
I love you forever,
~Mom~
==========================================================
Written 10/28/08
Hi honey,
It'll be 6 years in another 4 days and it's like time has stood still. I continue to feel that intense
sense of sadness and loss. I can't believe it's been so long since I've seen you because it seems like yesterday when
you got on your bike and left for work on that horrible Friday morning and I can remember the phone call word for word
that I received an hour and a half later. It will be with me forever, just as the wonderful memories will be that
I now hold so close to me. They're all I have. Maybe I'm selfish, but I want more. I wanted you to experience
a full and fulfilling life here. I wanted you to meet someone, fall in love, and raise a family. You didn't even
get to scratch the surface of what life could be. You didn't get to experience holding your own child for the first
time and feeling that immediate bond and unconditional love that just can't be put into words. I'm so torn sometimes
because I want to be with you and Angie at the same time, but I know that can't be. I hate having to wait so long to
give you a hug. Be patient Joey.......I will be there when it's the right time. In the meantime, I too have learned
patience in the strongest sense of the word because it's not an easy thing to do.
I love you so much and miss you more than I can ever put into words. I'll be up at the cemetery on Saturday
and we'll do lunch together like we do every year.
~Mom~
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1/12/09
Hi baby,
Angie is on her way to Cyprus right now, and I'm feeling so lonely already without her here. At the same
time, I'm feeling guilty that I didn't go up and visit you at the cemetery this last weekend. I can't even remember
the last weekend that I missed. I promise I will try and make it up there on my way home from work one day this
week. I wish you were here to put a smile on my face.....you certainly had a way of doing that all the time. I
sure do miss that !!!
Please watch over Ang during her flight and during her 3 month stay in Cyprus. She's following her heart.....must
have learned that from you. I admire that and wish I were more like the two of you.
I love you so much,
Mom
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Written 2/28/09
Hi honey,
As you know, I was at the cemetery today, since I won't be able to come visit you for a couple weeks. I
leave for Africa on Tuesday and all I keep thinking about is that I wish you could be going with me. You,
Angie, and I would have had such a great time, all being together for this trip of a lifetime. I know you'll be with
me the entire time, but not in the way that you should be !! The unfairness of life hits me hard every single day and
I just hate that you're not here to enjoy all the wonderful experiences that you should be having.
I miss you baby and my love for you is eternal. I think about you every day.
Love,
Mom
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